Thursday, July 3, 2014

Let's Just Go to B-Dubs

This simple phrase is uttered every time a discussion on where to watch the game arrises in your friend group. Several suggestions are thrown out there--most are local eateries/sports bars that make an honest living off of their business.

Then, the biggest idiot out of your group throws out his/her recommendation. It is a popular restaurant that haunts my soul, identity, and most importantly my colon.

"Dude, let's go to Buffalo Wild Wings. They have wings, beer, and sports."

So does every other sit-down american establishment in the United States. I realize it is often convenient to go to Buffalo Wild Wings because they are the vultures of chain eating. Its locations are often on the interstate or any high-traffic area in the country. Why? Because they realize that the franchise could not sustain itself any other way. Let me ask you this Buffalo Wild Wings: Why don't you use plates? Do you think your Prime Rib Slammers are too good for standard dishware? I think your salads are the only food items that find themselves on any type of decent tableware.

Seen here, a B-Dubs' employee was stabbed over a chicken salad

It takes advantage of hopeless, hungry middle-class Americans every day it has existed since its rebranding in 2011. No birthday parties happen at B-Dubs. No special occasions occur at B-Dubs. It is where you settle when you just got off work, and you are too tired to think logically.

"Blehhhh. My boss yelled at me and my glasses are smudgy. Let's just eat at B-Dubs."
I would yell at you too if I was your boss. You clearly do not put in 100% at work, nor do you care about being here. Just take the rest of the day off, slacker. There is a Screamin' Nacho Burger at Buffalo Wild Wings with your name on it. I can only imagine the nuclear waste your body creates after consuming that abomination of a menu item. Yes those are nachos on a cheeseburger. The research and development team is obviously hard at work over at ol' B-Dubs. You make me sick, Buffalo Wild Wings. Grow up.

Screamin' Nacho Burger is "nacho" stomach's friend
Yes, Buffalo Wild Wings probably markets better than any chain restaurant in the country at the moment, which explains their exponential growth. That is because they spend more on marketing than they do towards the rest of their operations.

Since they cannot afford to serve quality ingredients, they serve you dog turds in the form of bar food. Last time I checked, chicken was not supposed to have the consistency of a Jello Jiggler. Am I eating chicken wings or bubble tape covered in Heinz EZ Squirt purple ketchup? Everything on their menu is frozen, from the produce to the burgers. There is nothing fresh at B-Dubs, and when you pay your cooks next to nothing to prepare it, there are probably some health violations being broken in the process

When you visit the FAQ's on Buffalo Wild Wings' website, they give you a garbage answer for, "Do you provide recipes for any of your menu items?"

"Our recipes are kept secret in order to keep Buffalo Wild Wings unique. We appreciate your interest in our menu selections, and hope you'll visit a Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant to enjoy our signature flavors.  You can always purchase a bottle of any of our 16 signature sauces to take the Buffalo Wild Wings flavor home with you."
There are so many things wrong with this paragraph. First, thank god you keep those recipes a secret. You wouldn't want your competitors stealing your prized "mini corn dog" recipe. Seriously, who do you think you are calling your appetizers "sharables?" I would rename them "IDon'tCareables" because every single item is filthy and disgusting. Sure glad I clicked on your "Macaroni & Cheese" for menu details and got this:

Apparently the macaroni and cheese has ingredients you can only appreciate if your eyes are dilated, like the background image. Finally, some honesty from Buffalo Wild Wings. Bravo. I have no idea why you would like the "Buffalo Wild Wings Macaroni & Cheese" page on Facebook anyway. God forbid any of my friends and family find out I ate that slop. I can't wait to receive updates from that page.

I have another issue with you referring to your sauces as "signature." You are right though. They are signature. No other wing shop is using gasoline, cat vomit, and TetraMin Fish Flakes to coat its chicken wings. You are truly unique. So happy that you provide this bottling service in case I want bloody stools at home or on-the-go! Thank you for the convenience!

Nothing is expected of me, so I'm going to B-dubs
Dear god look at those things. Most of you, including myself, have actually consumed these. They even have to label the wings with a sticker because the cooks don't even know what they just created. Think about this. A human had to put that sticker on; which meant he/she probably touched the adhesive backside of the sticker; which means everything that person has touched that day went on the back of that sticker and then near your food. This includes bathroom breaks, sneezes, and nose-pickings.

"Dude who cares? They are just wings. Plus they have beer and sports, too."

Get out of my life. I don't need someone like you in my life who has no regard for their body or others around them. I have never smiled in a B-Dubs nor will I ever. I am pretty sure everyone is sweaty and at their worst state in Buffalo Wild Wings. I think James Franco went to Buffalo Wild Wings after filming the last scene in 127 hours. I bet he wished he had eaten that prop arm he amputated instead of the buffalo chicken sandwich at Buffalo Wild Wings.

Let's check out the dining atmosphere at Buffalo Wild Wings:

"Why do mommy and daddy hate me?"

"I know you done said you wanted medium, but the urine really adds to the tangyness of the sauce."

"I want to go back to Vietnam."

"The PH Level of Skip's saliva is almost at 0, YOU CAN DO IT SKIP!"

So next time you and your friends are trying to figure out where to watch the game, avoid Buffalo Wild Wings. It is in your best interest to never consume that microwave-nuked sludge ever again. By the way, in that last photo I can't tell if that is Skip's lower lip or a piece of chicken. That image alone is enough information for me to avoid B-Dub's, and it should be for you as well. Also, "B-Dubs" sounds like the nickname of every douche bag in my marketing classes at WVU. Maybe that's why I hate it.

But anyway, I digress.