Monday, July 8, 2013

Golden Corral

On a lonely October Sunday, about 7 years ago, my family decided to try out the new Golden Corral restaurant. It may not have actually been 7 years ago, but that date still feels like yesterday. A friend of our family invited us to eat lunch there. He wanted to pay for the whole thing, so we decided to give it a chance. Hey, the outside of it is huge right? It can't be that bad if all these people are pouring in. I should have known by the smell of the Mon River that this was the worst decision we have ever made in our entire lives.

The images of tapioca pudding spilling over into the apple sauce and the sausage gravy creeping ever so closely toward the salad bar station are still burned into my mind. Yesterday, a disgruntled employee uploaded this video to the internet and posted it on As it starts to go viral, this could mean the ultimate demise for Golden Corral. Ignore the fact that he looks like half the characters in the Wrong Turn series. This guy is my hero. If you search Youtube for "Golden Corral," several videos relating to this dump of a franchise come up. A specific report by ABC News highlights its "dirty dining." However, it is from 3 years ago. And the chain is still open. As interesting and informative as news reports are, Americans, especially those who regularly dine at Golden Corral, don't really care. It takes a viral image or video to really do some damage. What made Golden Corral so bad in the first place? I will rank them for you.

1. It's an American buffet. This is not the 90s. Buffets are no longer practical or successful, especially one as disgusting as Golden Corral. It makes Cici's look like a Sicilian marketplace. Even so, Cici's is on its way to bankruptcy. Chinese Buffets? I will dable in a few of those bad boys. That is only because Americanized Chinese food is still delicious in large buffet-style pans after its cooked. New England cod is not. 

2. Chocolate Fountain: Golden Corral had entire marketing campaign promoting this innovative dessert piece. The idea of a chocolate fountain in Golden Corral is gag worthy. There is nothing like walking up to the chocolate fountain for dessert and finding chunks of country ham and chicken wings floating at the bottom. Thank god I never experienced the chocolate fountain or the cotton candy maker but my thoughts and prayers are with those of you who did.
Seen here, thousands of Golden Corral customers pile in to dine each day
3. Atmosphere: I have only visited Golden Corral once, but my god is it a shit show. The regulars actually run from their cars to get in before you do. I watched this first hand. If I had to guess, they wanted to get to the nacho cheese before it skinned over. 

4. After the meal: the look on each person's face after they realize they made a huge mistake. No one is ever laughing. No one is having a good time. No one is happy. They are at Golden Corral for one reason: to gorge themselves with sodium.
I found the picture above on Google of 4 girls eating at Golden Corral. Normal scene right? Wrong. The smiling girl in front obviously did not eat. Good decision. She stuck with the water, which is still a huge stretch. The other girl looks clinically insane. Why? Look at her plate. Now look at her face. She made the worst decision she's ever made in her young life. She will never be the same person again. That could also be the look of embarrassment. Someone snapped a photo of her dining at Golden Corral, and her social life is over. Not even the cookie monster on her shirt would dive into Golden Corral's baked goods. The girl in the back is eating only bread, while the Asian girl clearly has no idea where she is at right now. She is eating the pie, which has caused lifelong dementia. She was so young.

Next photo. First, lets commend Golden Corral for placing the cheeseburgers in a spot unreachable for diners. What's this crack addict do? He dips his elbow into the chili dogs just to get to them. As he pulls the tongs to the plate, his arm hairs scrape off the food guards into the woman in the pink shirt's food. As if she cares. 
Finally, this photo. The guy in the red should not be around children ever in his life. He kidnapped this elderly couple, and as punishment, is forcing them to eat at Golden Corral. What a sadistic freak.

Anyway, I digress.  

Monday, June 10, 2013


Hello all,

I have been known to have a good rant or 4 in my lifetime. It is not that I am an impatient person, but more that I am impatient with pure stupidity. It has little, or nothing to do with one's intelligence. It is the lack of common sense that drives me up a wall. I figure nothing will start off by blog more perfectly than explaining how the nickname "Cork" came to be in a complete and utter instance of blatant stupidity.

First, I would consider myself a fairly sound person when it comes to common sense. However, I often have my blunders. Most of the time, it's losing or forgetting something. A few months ago, I forgot my wallet in MountainLair. It was probably on the Taziki's counter or maybe on a table in the dining area. That's not important, though. I called about an hour later and spoke to a nice woman on the phone. A nice, brainless woman. The phone conversation went something like this:

Her: Hello this is____, how can I help you?  
Me: Hi, I think I lost a wallet and was wondering if someone turned it in. Its a black polo wallet. 
Her: Mhmmm what is your name? 
Me: Clark D______
Her: Cork Davis?? I don't see your wallet in here, sir. Sorry. 
Me: No, my name is Clark D______. C-L-A-R-K D-O-U-G-L-A-S.

She then informs me that they do have my wallet. I pick it up. Story is over. So let's recap that quickly.

You thought my name was Cork?

Cork? Cork....? What they plug into wine bottles and illegally stuff baseball bats with? Why on earth, would that be your first response to the name I provided you with initially? You could have asked "excuse me" or have said any name in combination with the last name "Davis" and not have pissed me off. I would have accepted Corey, Craig, Mark, among others. But Cork? There have only been a handful of people with the legitimate birth name of "Cork" in the history of the human race. Corky Miller is a catcher in the Cincinnati Reds farm system, but that is not a household name. Corky Romano was a 2001 movie with Chris Kattan, but it currently holds a 6% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. It's not even famous for being a terrible movie, like Freddy Got Fingered or From Justin to Kelly. But it is forgotten and an embarrassing chapter of America's film past.

Corky Romano
But still, his name is Corky not Cork. How could you possibly, in any dimension ever conspired by a human being, think that asking me if my name was "Cork" would be the best possible addition to our conversation? After that, I questioned my own life for days to come. Who am I? If this woman thinks my name is Cork, what does the rest of the world think when they hear my name? Then, when I shook it off and realized that it is not a big deal, it would creep back up. I searched Facebook for someone named "Cork," but there were few results. Several entries for a university in Ireland with the name Cork in it (which I will be ordering a shirt from this week). There was one glimpse of hope, though. One search result was a man by the name of Cork Davis. Naturally, I clicked "add as friend." He has yet to accept, which is discouraging.

Anyway, I told some of my friends the story and it has stuck. My entire childhood, my friends and I gave each other nicknames. It usually was your last name, a shortened version of your first name, or a middle name. Hell, sometimes you got called by another name that sounded like your name. A name that belongs to thousands of people and could easily be mistaken as your name. It could even be your actual name with a "y" on the end of it, and it could be accepted.

But me. I have never had a nickname. I have always been called Clark, or sometimes Clarky by my family or something. I always sort of wanted one, I guess. It is cool to be called by your last name sometimes. But I got stuck with Cork. Cork. CORK. All because a woman decided to flip the switch to "off" when she arrived to work that day. Cork. Cork Davis.

Oh well, I digress.