Monday, July 8, 2013

Golden Corral

On a lonely October Sunday, about 7 years ago, my family decided to try out the new Golden Corral restaurant. It may not have actually been 7 years ago, but that date still feels like yesterday. A friend of our family invited us to eat lunch there. He wanted to pay for the whole thing, so we decided to give it a chance. Hey, the outside of it is huge right? It can't be that bad if all these people are pouring in. I should have known by the smell of the Mon River that this was the worst decision we have ever made in our entire lives.

The images of tapioca pudding spilling over into the apple sauce and the sausage gravy creeping ever so closely toward the salad bar station are still burned into my mind. Yesterday, a disgruntled employee uploaded this video to the internet and posted it on As it starts to go viral, this could mean the ultimate demise for Golden Corral. Ignore the fact that he looks like half the characters in the Wrong Turn series. This guy is my hero. If you search Youtube for "Golden Corral," several videos relating to this dump of a franchise come up. A specific report by ABC News highlights its "dirty dining." However, it is from 3 years ago. And the chain is still open. As interesting and informative as news reports are, Americans, especially those who regularly dine at Golden Corral, don't really care. It takes a viral image or video to really do some damage. What made Golden Corral so bad in the first place? I will rank them for you.

1. It's an American buffet. This is not the 90s. Buffets are no longer practical or successful, especially one as disgusting as Golden Corral. It makes Cici's look like a Sicilian marketplace. Even so, Cici's is on its way to bankruptcy. Chinese Buffets? I will dable in a few of those bad boys. That is only because Americanized Chinese food is still delicious in large buffet-style pans after its cooked. New England cod is not. 

2. Chocolate Fountain: Golden Corral had entire marketing campaign promoting this innovative dessert piece. The idea of a chocolate fountain in Golden Corral is gag worthy. There is nothing like walking up to the chocolate fountain for dessert and finding chunks of country ham and chicken wings floating at the bottom. Thank god I never experienced the chocolate fountain or the cotton candy maker but my thoughts and prayers are with those of you who did.
Seen here, thousands of Golden Corral customers pile in to dine each day
3. Atmosphere: I have only visited Golden Corral once, but my god is it a shit show. The regulars actually run from their cars to get in before you do. I watched this first hand. If I had to guess, they wanted to get to the nacho cheese before it skinned over. 

4. After the meal: the look on each person's face after they realize they made a huge mistake. No one is ever laughing. No one is having a good time. No one is happy. They are at Golden Corral for one reason: to gorge themselves with sodium.
I found the picture above on Google of 4 girls eating at Golden Corral. Normal scene right? Wrong. The smiling girl in front obviously did not eat. Good decision. She stuck with the water, which is still a huge stretch. The other girl looks clinically insane. Why? Look at her plate. Now look at her face. She made the worst decision she's ever made in her young life. She will never be the same person again. That could also be the look of embarrassment. Someone snapped a photo of her dining at Golden Corral, and her social life is over. Not even the cookie monster on her shirt would dive into Golden Corral's baked goods. The girl in the back is eating only bread, while the Asian girl clearly has no idea where she is at right now. She is eating the pie, which has caused lifelong dementia. She was so young.

Next photo. First, lets commend Golden Corral for placing the cheeseburgers in a spot unreachable for diners. What's this crack addict do? He dips his elbow into the chili dogs just to get to them. As he pulls the tongs to the plate, his arm hairs scrape off the food guards into the woman in the pink shirt's food. As if she cares. 
Finally, this photo. The guy in the red should not be around children ever in his life. He kidnapped this elderly couple, and as punishment, is forcing them to eat at Golden Corral. What a sadistic freak.

Anyway, I digress.