Friday, September 27, 2013

Dear Cork: September 27, 2013

Hello all. I have had a slight hiatus from my blog. Don't worry. It WAS medical related. Anyway, I was asked some great questions over the duration of this absence, and I would like to answer a few.

Cute girl at the office was going out for lunch wednesday and asked if I wanted long john slivers or KFC. I said "I don't know" and she bitched me out for giving her a "Kanye shrug." Did I just blow my chances?
 Well Bill. First off let me say thanks for following this email with another clarifying the whole situation.
Bill again. I really just wanted a burger from Dairy Queen, if that clears the air.
It does clear the air. Nothing better than a Heath Blizz to sit on for the second half of the work day! I think you have a reason to be upset. Although Kanye is grammy award winning artist, fashion icon, and humanitarian, a shrug isn't an endearing move on your part. Unfortunately, women hold grudges and you have probably lost your chance. Don't worry though. If she's willing to leave the office to suck down some greasy cod and malt vinegar at lunch, then she probably isn't one you take home to the 'Rents! Thanks Bill!

Daniel Ruby here. Recently I wiped down my television screen with a loin clothe and some ammonia (never doing that again), and it left a greenish film that affects the color. I think I ruined the TV because I never remembered Al Roker being this blue! Anyway, do I toss the thing out or can the color be fixed in the menu (it's a samsung)?
Unfortunately Daniel, I think your television is ruined. An old trick of the trade that I've developed over the years is to keep anything ending in "-monia" away from all electronic devices. My poor Aunt Sally came down with a wicked case of pneumonia last January and all of the mucus caused a build up on the screen. Let's just say no one looks good with flem on them, not even the Duck Dynasty boys! And Al Roker IS that blue (if he was green he would die or however it goes).

Recently I have been rather particular about my oral hygiene and started brushing 3 times daily. It's caused some gum irritation and (although my teeth seem whiter) I've developed a sore on my cheek bone. Friend at the office says its a canker sore, but he can be a bit dramatic at times. I mean, the guy stormed out of the office one day because no one else wanted to have our christmas party at the Elk's Lodge. Anyway, I am convinced that some sensodyne or trident chewing gum will do the trick. Am I not brushing enough? -Larry S.

3 times a day is an awful lot, even for a floss happy gentleman like myself. I would probably schedule an appointment with your orthodontist immediately as you are probably causing life long gum damage. I know it can be frightening to look in the mirror and not like what you see, but hey; what are gums good for anyway? Nothing. Good luck!

Cork: Alanis Morissette or Jewel?
Um, how about BOTH. No? While Alanis tends to sound like she's been chugging Robitussin by her 3rd set, I enjoy her extremely vague lyrics and sheepish monotones over Jewel. Appearance from the nose up: definitely Jewel. 

Thank you all for your submissions!